According to a survey done by AARP, 57% of pet owners aged 55 and up say their pets are more likely than their significant other to give them welcome-home kisses.

Ok, my first thought is: Define “pet.” Are we counting goldfish, pythons, turtles, hamsters, guinea pigs and pygmy goats in this survey? Or are we just talking dogs? And if we’re just talking dogs, why did the survey say “pets?”

I agree that a dog bounding to the door is more likely to arrive first to greet returning humans. If the goldfish beats out the significant other, then we’ve definitely got a problem here.

Throughout my life, I’ve always made it a non-compromisable point to “greet and good-bye” with a kiss. Or two or three… I mean, what if you never see that person again? It happens, believe me.

But I’m 55 now, so I’m technically part of the survey. And I want it on the record that NOT ONCE has my cat kissed me hello when I return home. NOT ONCE! But then, she doesn’t need to; she knows there’s no significant other vying for my affection.

God help me! I’ve turned into one of those stereotypical lonely old women with cats!