Yeah, yeah, unless you know me really well, you probably think there’s a misspelling in the title. Not a chance. When I write “Obitchuary,” you can bet that’s exactly what I intended to write.

A couple weeks ago some gals and I got to talking about the current vague and essentially meaningless state of generic newspaper obituaries. We decided the only way to insure we’re publicly remembered more poignantly than “She liked to knit” or “She loved her family” was to write it ourselves.

Not a bad idea, when you think about it. Saves everyone the time and trouble of trying too hard to say something nice. And really, whose feelings are you trying to spare? The deceased is long gone, and this is the living’s last chance to know the REAL you.

More than a decade ago, soap opera character Victor Newman, on The Young and the Restless, videotaped his own eulogy. I loved the idea! I could sing and recite poetry, have a captive audience, and not even take offense if someone walked out! Perfect!

So I’ve completed a first draft of my own Obitchuary, and next year I’ll write another, and someday far, far, far into the future, some draft as yet unwritten will be printed for everyone’s enjoyment and entertainment. And don’t worry—I’m leaving some money in my will to cover the cost of printing the whole thing, lock stock and barrel.

That particular edition is sure to be a best seller; I’m naming names!