Carl Spackler is the greenskeeper for an elite golf course. In “Caddyshack,” released on July 25, 1980, poor Carl tries everything imaginable, from flooding to dynamite (and then some) to rid the fairway of one particularly deranged dancing gopher.

Exactly 33 years later, I can still relate.

My “War with the Moles” has raged on for many summers. Last fall I thought I had won; this summer they are back with a vengeance.

In the movie, Carl Spackler said, “License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill you must know your enemy, and in this case, my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will not quit, ever.”

Today I say, “It is the dignity of the human race at stake here. Is woman smarter than a tunneling varmint? You’re damn right she is!”

Carl Spackler said, “Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? Scum! Slime! Menace to the golfing industry! You’re a disgrace. You’re varmints. You’re one of the lowest members of the food chain and you’ll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. It’s about time somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it’s like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. — I guess we’re playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over. I guess it’s just a matter of pumping about five thousand gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson. Is that it? I think it is!”

I say, “Ditto, you crusty old lawn-wrecking pieces of burrowing dog crap! Come to Mama, Mr. Mole. Come eat this nice yummy poisoned worm. I bought these 48 worms just for your enjoyment, Mole. Now eat them all and die!

And the war rages on, one enormous molehill at a time…